There are days…

There are days when I feel like I just can’t go any further.



I can’t stay awake any longer.


I can’t take on another problem at work or at home.

I can’t listen to any more bickering between brothers, anymore tears or tattling, anymore yelling at each other and anymore demands. No more “I don’t like this” or “this is yucky” or any of those lovely insults that little boys hurl at each other and then laugh about later while their mother fumes and frets on what kind of children they are raising and where on earth they heard that.


Days when I want curl up on my couch, facing the cushions and just try to block out the world and all of its noise.

Days when I yell at my children.
Days when I snap at my husband.


Days when I really, really just don’t care what we eat for supper.


Days when I feel like crying. All. Day. Long.


Days when guilt, worry and anxiety all creep up and I struggle to keep it at bay.


Days when my shoulders are tight, my chest is burning, my heart is heavy, my eyes are itchy with unshed tears, my head is full of words that I can’t or shouldn’t say and when I just want to be alone.


In the quiet. Maybe hiding in a book. Maybe hiding in a TV show. Maybe sleeping away the worry.


But I can’t. I’m a wife. A mother to two, soon to be 3. A full time housewife and a full time employed outside the home working mom.


And I’m not sure I can be both. Or how to be both. How does one person fill all of those jobs?


Or if I’m any good at any of those jobs anymore.


Days when I pray and I don’t hear an answer. He’s there. He’s listening. But am I not hearing…or am I just not hearing what I want to?


It’s just one of those days and its been a few of those weeks.


Struggles, mistakes, traveling, sickness, hormones, hard decisions…you name it. We’ve had it all here lately.


So I take deep breaths…breathe in deep to fill the lungs with eyes closed. Exhale slowly. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.


Shed those tears because I know I need to.

Hug those babies because I love them and need them.


Love my husband because I love him and need him.
Stare at candles flickering the window as I do the dishes again.
Knit.
Attempt to go to bed early.
Pray. Without ceasing. And listen…even when its not what I want to hear.
We’ll be back to a regularly scheduled program soon.

Carrie

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5 thoughts on “There are days…

  1. Praying for ya girl! Hang in there. I have those days like once a week. The last few weeks of pg aren't easy either. Like you said, just breathe. Get the hubs to take care of dinner and the kids one evening – you can't do it all, ALL the time, especially now. I regret not taking time for myself at the end of my last pg, I was stressed all the time and I cried the last three days before I had him. It's not how I want to remember my pregnancy and I'll be sure to do something about it next time.

  2. Dear Carrie, I wish you all the best!! I am a mother of 1 girl, lucky enough to stay at home for 2 years and me too have sometimes the "symptoms" you described :-)You are a mother of 2, pregnant and with full time job!!! Wow!! This is far too much….I just discovered your blog (over CloverLane) and will come back!Stay strong and safe!Kisses from Romania!

  3. Carrie – I know you wrote this a while back – I used to work full time with kids. I found a way to work from home in the same sector, which was extremely stressful but less guilt. (Let me re-phrase that -after much praying and tears – God GAVE me a way to work from home). Now, at 42 with the oldest about to graduate from HS, my work 'disappeared' with the recession 3 yrs ago(commercial construction is non-existent, right now). The money is extremely tight, but I am very thankful not to be working. God has given me a compassion for moms who do work. He is forming you to be more like Christ through your suffering. Hang in there. "This too shall pass." God knows your plight and heartache, count your blessings (HEALTHY children, etc) – life could be MUCH worse! Hope that helps. I've been there (and have three kids, too). Congratulations on the new baby!-Trish

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