There are days when I feel like I just can’t go any further.
I can’t stay awake any longer.
I can’t take on another problem at work or at home.
I can’t listen to any more bickering between brothers, anymore tears or tattling, anymore yelling at each other and anymore demands. No more “I don’t like this” or “this is yucky” or any of those lovely insults that little boys hurl at each other and then laugh about later while their mother fumes and frets on what kind of children they are raising and where on earth they heard that.
Days when I want curl up on my couch, facing the cushions and just try to block out the world and all of its noise.
Days when I yell at my children.
Days when I snap at my husband.
Days when I really, really just don’t care what we eat for supper.
Days when I feel like crying. All. Day. Long.
Days when guilt, worry and anxiety all creep up and I struggle to keep it at bay.
Days when my shoulders are tight, my chest is burning, my heart is heavy, my eyes are itchy with unshed tears, my head is full of words that I can’t or shouldn’t say and when I just want to be alone.
In the quiet. Maybe hiding in a book. Maybe hiding in a TV show. Maybe sleeping away the worry.
But I can’t. I’m a wife. A mother to two, soon to be 3. A full time housewife and a full time employed outside the home working mom.
And I’m not sure I can be both. Or how to be both. How does one person fill all of those jobs?
Or if I’m any good at any of those jobs anymore.
Days when I pray and I don’t hear an answer. He’s there. He’s listening. But am I not hearing…or am I just not hearing what I want to?
It’s just one of those days and its been a few of those weeks.
Struggles, mistakes, traveling, sickness, hormones, hard decisions…you name it. We’ve had it all here lately.
So I take deep breaths…breathe in deep to fill the lungs with eyes closed. Exhale slowly. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Shed those tears because I know I need to.
Hug those babies because I love them and need them.
Love my husband because I love him and need him.
Stare at candles flickering the window as I do the dishes again.
Attempt to go to bed early.
Pray. Without ceasing. And listen…even when its not what I want to hear.
We’ll be back to a regularly scheduled program soon.