You know, maybe this is writer’s block. I’m not sure. I’m not even sure if, just because I blog, I can call myself a writer. But I know that in my head and more importantly, in my heart, I blog all the time. I do. I find myself starting blog posts in my head, starting them in email, jotting down ideas on the memo list on my blackberry…I even have a notebook that I write down ideas.
But I’ve got nothing. No posts. Nothing finished. Nothing is complete. Much like life. It’s all a work in progress and it all feels very “up in the air” right now. But I need to write. I need to get it out. The rest of this will probably seem like a bunch of randomness…I hope you’ll indulge me.
What I have are worries right now. Hunter and I have major decisions to make about our lives and our home. Part of me is excited at the prospect of making changes that will ultimately be good. Part of me is scared to death that we’ll make a mistake with whatever we decide. But what if we do? What if we make a mistake? Will it be the end of the world? No. I remind myself of that constantly, to keep the anxiety and the nervousness at bay. We will be fine, no matter what we decide. Our Provider will see us through.
I also have my blessed baby boys. I love these kids. Right now, they are capable of pushing me to the edge of my sanity, to tears, to laughter, just hold them and kiss them, to doubt that I am capable of raising them in any way that is good, or to want to throttle them in about 2.3 seconds. Will they love me if we survive 4 and 2? Some days I wonder.
We have t-ball starting! Lord help, why didn’t someone tell me how expensive this was going to be?!? It’s not simply going to buy a $15 glove yall…at least according to my husband. Our first practice is Tuesday night and I have never seen JP so excited about something!
I have concerns for a big project that I’ve taken on to work with an organization I believe whole-heartedly in. I don’t want to let God, them or myself down. I can’t wait to tell you more about this one!
I think a lot more about work when I’m not there. Three more furlough days before June. More cuts are coming. I can’t help but think of it, especially considering that Hunter is able to pay himself about 1/3 of what he was 4 years ago when we bought our home (part of those financial worries).
But yall, there are opportunities. Opportunities to make change in our lives in small and large ways, to adjust our response to be Godly and to adjust our attitudes to be selfless. There are opportunities to demonstrate our faith in God’s control of each and every situation we find ourselves in. After all, those that aren’t believers are watching us…waiting to see how we will react to what Satan and the world have been throwing at us? What better way to demonstrate God’s love than through our own reaction?
Confession time: Hunter and I have been fighting. A LOT. I don’t want to tell yall that, but I am. I’m not going to hide it…it’s part of our life and this is my blog, a blog that I want to be REAL. The snide comments, the lifted voices, the cold shoulder, they can be found in ALL of our houses at some point, can’t they? We recognized this tension and the disagreements and we made a move. I called for a favor and we found an opportunity: “Date Day.”
Date Day was exactly what this couple needed. We feel back on the same page again. We talked and we reconnected. We needed it. I don’t like asking for favors or for help but I have reminded myself that family is there and they want to do those things because they love us. It is humbling to ask for help, even to just carve out time for us to be alone. But I what I recognize even more than being humbled is that I let my focus get away from my marriage…again…and our enemy found his way in just as quietly and quickly as he could. And it took some work to repair just a little of the damage he caused. So, without getting all preachy, step back for a second and look. Is your marriage a priority? Does your husband feel like you even notice him anymore? Do you hear him over the kids, the house, the job, and all of the other responsibilities? Hunter didn’t feel like I was tuned in and maybe I wasn’t giving my all to my marriage—another one of those things I don’t want to admit.
Hmmmm, I don’t know if this even makes sense. But it sure feels good to get it all out. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll get me back to my blog. I miss BRMM, and I miss yall and your sweet, sweet comments. I may not always get to respond or to comment on your blogs (if you have one) but I am reading. Me and my Google Reader are tight! I’m reading, laughing, crying, and praying with you. But, as another confession, one of Hunter’s complaints has been that I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I guess you could say that this bloggy break has been writer’s block and an attempt to get my priorities back in line.
If you made it through these ramblings, wow! I’m impressed. And now, I’ll ask YOU for a favor…pray for us this week? We have some conversations and meetings to have and some decisions to make based on those conversations and meetings that will have real impacts on our family. We will surely appreciate your prayers.
Now, in exchange for my favor, what prayers can be lifted for you? Perhaps if we all share our own prayer needs, we’ll feel the gentle prayers all week long.
I hope you’re having a blessed Sunday,