Wishes and Regrets

Do you ever think about what you would change if you could go back and redo parts of your life? I try to live a life with few regrets. After all, God guides us down paths for a reason, right? But, as humans, I feel like we can’t help but look back at the “what if”’ sometimes.

While I was at camp, I was talking to two girls from the Virgin Islands and it came out of my mouth that I probably wouldn’t have gotten my Masters if I had known how much I wanted to be at home with my kids. I’ve said this to Hunter before but that was in deep conversation and I’ve never actually said it out loud to anyone else. When they asked me why, I explained that I do not regret my education. I wanted to go. I wanted a college degree. And when I decided that I didn’t want to go to vet school, I chose to go to graduate school. I am proud of my education. I think everyone should at least try a 2 year school because I believe that college teaches a lot about being on your own, making your on way and who you are.

But…

I often feel trapped by my education. I feel like I will always have to work. In an office. I don’t mind working. In fact, I need it. And I don’t think that moms who choose to work at home or “stay at home” (which is an oxymoron based on the ones I know) don’t work. I mean, get up, go to the office, stay all day and see no one that I love, come home tired and cranky and then just feel like I’m processing the night instead of enjoying it. This, I do regret. I feel shut down whenever we try to figure out how we could make it work because all I hear is that it’s not going to happen any time soon. We’ve tried me going part-time and it didn’t work; well, we tried at a time when we were in the middle of a drought and water restrictions shut down the entire industry but we tried. We’ve made stupid mistakes financially in the past and that, with the instability of our owning a landscaping company in a shaky economy, makes it seem to be an impossible reality.

I’ve worked hard to earn the right to create a schedule that accommodates me being at home as much as possible. I work 4-ten hour days each week with one of those days being a telework day. I just changed my schedule so that I now get up at 430 in the morning to get to work by 6am so that I can leave at 430. Crazy isn’t it? But, I get home in 40 minutes instead of an hour, I leave an hour earlier each afternoon, and I’m trading an hour more of sleep for nearly 2 hours more in the evening with my family. It’s worth it. I miss them waking up 3 days a week. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I need to say that I love working in my industry, working to protect and enhance the life I love and the life I dream of living. I feel like my work is valuable, even if I spend most of my time in an office. Someone has to work these kinds of jobs. But, what about my boys? I can’t get time back. I feel like someone else is raising them at times and that I’m missing “it.” I feel like I’m against a wall. We’re working diligently on the debt and on better spending habits. But what good will it do me when I’m 40 and still sitting behind a desk, wanting change and the boys won’t want me around all the time any longer? What then? Are these stupid mistakes going to hold us back forever?

I know that the boys know that I love them and that they’re not hungry, wanting for anything (well, within reason!) and they have a shelter over their head. They have a sitter who loves them and whom I trust (despite her preference for KoolAid and cheese puffs at 430 in the afternoon). They are loved more than they will ever know. I know all that. But my heart hurts for what I am missing.

I know others struggle with these feelings too, and I’m sorry to be Debbie Downer today. Just feeling low and missing my boys. Positive things to come, I promise! I’ve got blogs in the works!

Can I blame it all on being Monday?
C-re

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One thought on “Wishes and Regrets

  1. I feel you, girlfriend. I feel you. It's such a tug-of-war of the heart sometimes, isn't it? My kids are "grown and gone" but home together now for three weeks. And I wish I didn't have to go to work each day. I'd rather sit around looking at them. I used to do the 4 ten hour days, but found it left me too tired, like you said – processing the evening instead of living it. So I switched back to five eights, with one of those days at home. What a difference! Glad you shared yourself with us today. Maybe it's because it's the Monday after a celebratory weekend. Maybe it's just because it's Monday. Whatever the reason, I'm glad you shared. Be blessed!

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